PAUL DAFOE
Main Anchor/The Fakist
Paul Dafoe, THE FAKIST, reports the fake news for real from KCOM Studios in Somewhere West of New York City.
“Five years ago, I left my job as a humble stockbroker to partner with KCOM Studios on a bold new project; The Fakist aims to bring authenticity back to fake news. With my booming voice, restrained by dark liquor, I cover the fake news for real from our headquarters in Somewhere West of New York City, America.
It’s a pretty sweet gig.”
“Good News: Fake News Is Here To Stay” by Paul Dafoe on Medium
LEANN
Co-Anchor, Former Executive Producer In Charge Of Production
LeAnn comes to The Fakist from some little station in Alabama. After taking over the show when Paul took off for months on a karate sabbatical to get over Birdman Stan’s death, she earned a spot at the news desk alongside The Fakist himself.
“There’s a reason I took this job. In a world full of pundits and spin and optics, you had the guts to come out and be honest about not telling the truth. In a fake world, that’s as real as it gets.”
BIRDMAN STAN
Helicopter Pilot
Stan Odeski has served KCOM Studios as their helicopter pilot since 1974. Back then it was the KCOM-ANDO ACTION CHOPPER. He is known in the industry for the crazy stunts he pulls to garner ratings, awards, and repair bills. His current chopper is branded LAZY EYE OF THE SKY, CHOPPER 7, 8, 9, etc. (it changes after every crash).
“Catch Birdman Stan on The Fakist. He takes the “Lazy Eye In The Sky” right into the heart of the action. Will he make it? If he dies, who’s going with him?”
NOTE: We have some sad news about Birdman Stan. Listen to Episode #7 – Fly High to learn more.
ELLA FITZPATRICK
Investigative Reporter
She’ll root out the problem, even if she has to create it.
“I had a career for eleven years, then got suckered by some asshole obsessed with fake news for the last two.”
MARTIN ZENDLER
Consumer Affairs
The Fakist’s Martin Zendler is on the job! The famed consumer affairs reporter, who inspired Victor Prinzim, Dom DeLuise’s character in The Cannonball Run (1981) is back after recovering from a crazy amount of bee stings. He can be found in the break room, testing out blacklights on the microwave.
“Have a good weekend — Good food, good grief, or whatever makes you happy.”
GRACE HUBERSTAFFORFORD
Sociopolitical Reporter
Huberstafforford is our longest-serving correspondent, after spending decades covering fake news for public broadcasting outlets. Her award-winning coverage of the “Pirhana Del Sol” parade in Scottsdale, Arizona put her on Paul DaFoe’s radar around 1981.
She’s always ready to tackle the hard stories that other fake news outlets won’t touch. Ever eager to jump headfirst into danger, Grace Huberstafforford never lets up.
“This sound like a reportortunity to me!”
JAKE STEIN
Traffic Reporter
After losing in the last round of The Network’s hit reality talent show The Choice, Stein was foisted upon The Fakist news team by a senior KCOM Studios executive. He’s playing in traffic for now, but his real dream is to move up to the big chair and reclaim his fleeting fame so he doesn’t have to go back to work at the grocery store.
“Buy my new album, The Choices, by me, Jake Stein, on iTunes! rock your ass out your front door, then down the 394, until you plop it down in a chair at your boring- ass job.”
BERNIE MCFERNIE
Reporter-At-Large
We’re going to be honest here. We hired Bernie because we felt bad for him. He’s an old newshound who lost his bite. We grabbed him out of pity, and for the old media reputation he brought to our newscast, but after he reported on a Chinese food delivery driver doing his job we forced him to retire.
“You can’t do this. This is all I have left. No…. No! Let me go! My son Ernie will avenge me, I swear it!”
RON JOLIVER
Bitter British Blogger
Ron Joliver comes to The Fakist from The Comedy Network, where he was a correspondent on the popular comedy news show Down At The Moment. On his semi-regular segment Up To The Minute, Joliver entertains a live studio audience with whatever he cause he feels like going on about.
“We’ll mine the crimes that make up the times on Up To The Minute!”
BYRON SEALES
Mythological Meteorologist
Byron Seales has one mission: Deliver the most accurate mythological forecast to The Fakist Faithful, while teaching mythology and ancient beliefs about the nature of weather.
“This is Byron Seales, live from our Mythical Weather Crisis Center.”
CARRIE TART
Entertainment Reporter
Carrie Tart loves Hollywood. The stars. The smells. The traffic. If it’s happening in Hollywood, she’s totes going to tell you about it!
“I’ll tell you who’s wearing who, what’s dating when, and which nostalgic franchise is getting a rebooted reboot, all in under a minute.”
MR. FREEZE 7-UP
Human/Cat Mutant Hybrid, Office Cat
Originally Paul’s comfort animal after his breakup with Cindy McNeil, a strange accident transformed him into a powerful master of the multiverse. When he’s not opening up a portal to Earth Prime, he can be found hanging out with the Producer Computer and a mysterious stranger who looks an awful lot like Ella in the control room.
“Now is the time of the cats! Meow!”
PRODUCER COMPUTER/AI BOT
Replacement For Actual Employee
When LeAnn got promoted to co-anchor, Paul picked up a cheap piece of junk to replace her as the Executive Producer in Charge of Production. Originally used to spy on the Fakist News Team by Debra Dawnstar, he betrayed his creator to help them when the day. When he’s not running the show, he can be found in the control room pining after Mr. Freeze 7-Up.
“DON’T WORRY, HUMAN FRIENDS. THIS MOMENT HAS BEEN PREPARED FOR. RENT-A-KIDS, ACTIVATE!”
BARRY TESH
Investigative Reporter/Naturist
Barry Tesh’s reports on the struggles the Naturist movement resulted in Somewhere West of New York City allowing nudity in public. Now, he’s moving on to the next glass ceiling for naked people: The workplace.
“Living nude is the most natural thing you can do.”
TIM MONET
Investigative Reporter/Oversharer
If there’s something you don’t know about Tim Monet, don’t worry. He’ll tell you. “Mr. TMI” makes every story about him, usually tying it back to his rebound girlfriend Tracy and their “little explorer.” Trivia: The only person Tim isn’t 100% honest with is his mother. When he got his job at The Fakist, he told her he was working for PBS to save face.
“That reminds me of the time I popped a zit on my back and blood shot out all over my rebound girlfriend Tracy.”
HANDLEBAR VAN DYKE
Chief Technology Advisor
A fresh face to the Fakist Fam, Handlebar Van Dyke will report on computer security for the modern paranoid-fessional, if the show doesn’t get cancelled first.
“Beards are some of the most fluid and mystical pieces of facial hair that we have on our face.”