Tom Vuldemort, Inspiration For Lord Voldemort, Dead At 87

Tom Vuldermort, janitor at St. Michael’s of C of E Primary School in Winterbourne, Gloucestershire, has passed away at the tender age of 87. Vuldermort was best known for inspiring the insidious Lord Voldermort in the “Harry Potter And The…” series, written by noted British lottery winner JK Rowling.

Rowling revealed Vuldermort’s contribution to the dark wizard on the 2015 Christian Broadcasting Network special Slags. Knobs, and Sin Sticks: Uncovering the Occultic World of Harry Potter.

According to Rowling, Vuldemort was “A sicko! Me and Susan nd Buttercrust used to plan such clever tricky-wick for him. That’s where ‘he who shall not be named’ came from. We knew we’d be in a kettle of tea if he’d caught wind of our plots.”

Vuldermort remained on staff at St. Mike’s for the next 30 years, where students and faculty alike described him as a “beloved figure.”

Vuldermort spoke of Rowling’s alleged “tricky-wicks” with the BBC late last year. “Oh, lil’ Joanne. Yeah. She done quite good for herself, ain’t she? Does my heart good to see ‘er in the papers it does!” When asked about the tricky-wicks Vuldermort exclaimed, “Heavens! Just kids being kids. Why when I was a young lad we used to sneak into our teacher’s field and milk his cows. Can you believe that? Milking ‘em at midnight? Ah, we were right bonkers we were!”

When asked her thoughts on Vuldermort’s passing, Rowling stated she was “glad that old bastard was dead” and that she was “excited to claim the final Horcrux.“

The community will mourn Vuldermort’s passing by eating fish and chips at a pub, or whatever passes for religion over there.